Uniball is Born!!!

It is with great sadness that I announce the departure of the beloved Leon from this earth at approximately 8:00 AM, Monday June 30, 2008. We are relieved that he has gone to a better place, and we know that this was all for the better.

Surgery started at about 7:30, and I woke up in the Surgery Recovery Room at 9:30. From a health prospective, things went wonderfully, and the current prognosis is good, if not damn good. I go back to see Dr. Beck next week for some more tests and then we will know for certain. I am truly impressed by his team and the care everyone gave to me while at IU Hospital.

However, from a case management perspective, my case was laughable. Let’s just say, at one point during the day, I was admitted to the hospital for approximately two hours – had my own room and everything. I am certain Caren and my mother-in-law Marilyn both have rather vivid and scathing thoughts as to IU Hospital’s version of communication. But most importantly, I cannot emphasize how impressed all of us were with Dr. Beck, his resident (whose name I forget, but wrote LEON in big letters on my left hip to emphasize who was being removed, Leon on the left or Robespierre on the right), his staff in surgery, and the nurses and staff of the Surgery Recovery Room for a brilliantly entertaining morning and afternoon. True, I did most of the entertaining, but I don’t think any recovery unit in all of these United States laughed more Monday than we all laughed.

Obviously, since I am up, typing, and using the computer, my recovery goes well. My discomfort can best described as being hit by a Boeing 747 in the groin. Okay, that is a total and outright lie – I admit it. You know those little airplanes that are made of balsa wood and fly by rubber band power? My discomfort can best be described as being hit by one of those planes in the hip. Okay, that is a lie, as well. You know the rubber band that is in the balsa wood plane? My discomfort can best be described as being hit in the groin with a rubber band – and that is pretty much the truth. Yes, bending and moving bring some discomfort, but things are really much better than expected, as I really imagined (hoped) I would be flying in the clouds doped up on a myriad of America’s finest legal pain medications available to modern man.

I do have to take it easy, and my lovely wife Caren loves her new role as nurse. Caren as a nurse is a cross between Nurse Ratched from ­One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Shirley McClain from Terms of Endearment. Some of you might be shocked that I am describing my wife in this manner. There is no reason to be shocked at all. She is honored to be described in these terms - especially after her experience in the waiting room at the hospital today. Let’s just say they almost experienced Shirley McClain (the mean one yelling at the nurses in Terms of Endearment, not the crazy one recalling past lives).

In the meantime, Caren and I thank all of you for you kind thoughts and prayers. I will keep you updated on how things are going.

By the way, I did learn a few things about hospitals that I should probably pass on:

• When waking up in the Surgery Recovery Room, do not shoot straight up in bed and yell at the top of your lungs, “I’MMMMMMMMMM BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”
• Doing the above, freaks the nurses out, and can (so I have been told) cause everyone to rush to some elderly woman in Bed #8 and start yelling “CLEAR!” and then making her jump in bed (whatever that was all about).
• And finally, as you are being transferred to your room and you are being pushed through the hallways, do not point at the visitors, doctors, and staff and yell, “I see dead people!”